Tantrums and outbursts from kids with no self-control can rile even the most patient parents.
Whether kids melt down in the middle of a crowded grocery store, at a holiday dinner with extended family, or at home, these fits can be extremely frustrating. But parents can help kids learn self-control and teach them how to respond to situations without just acting on impulse.
Helping Kids Learn Self-Control
By learning self-control, kids can make appropriate decisions and respond to stressful situations in ways that can yield positive outcomes.
For example, if you say that you're not serving ice cream until after dinner, your child may cry, plead, or even scream in the hopes that you will give in. But with self-control, your child can understand that a temper tantrum means you'll take away the ice cream for good and that it's wiser to wait patiently.
Here are a few suggestions on how to help kids learn to control their behavior:
Up to age 2: Infants and toddlers get frustrated by the large gap between the things they want to do and what they're able to do. They often respond with temper tantrums. Try to prevent outbursts by distracting your little one with toys or other activities. For kids reaching the 2-year-old mark, try a brief timeout in a designated area — like a kitchen chair or bottom stair — to show the consequences for outbursts and teach that it's better to take some time alone instead of throwing a tantrum.
Ages 3 to 5: You can continue to use timeouts, but rather than enforcing a specific time limit, end timeouts once your child has calmed down. This helps kids improve their sense of self-control. And praise your child for not losing control in frustrating or difficult situations.
Ages 6 to 9: As kids enter school, they're better able to understand the idea of consequences and that they can choose good or bad behavior. It may help your child to imagine a stop sign that must be obeyed and think about a situation before responding. Encourage your child to walk away from a frustrating situation for a few minutes to cool off instead of having an outburst.
Ages 10 to 12: Older kids usually better understand their feelings. Encourage them to think about what's causing them to lose control and then analyze it. Explain that sometimes the situations that are upsetting at first don't end up being so awful. Urge kids to take time to think before responding to a situation.
Ages 13 to 17: By now kids should be able to control most of their actions. But remind teens to think about long-term consequences. Urge them to pause to evaluate upsetting situations before responding and talk through problems rather than losing control, slamming doors, or yelling. If necessary, discipline your teen by taking away certain privileges to reinforce the message that self-control is an important skill.
When Kids Are Out of Control
Set a good example for your kids by demonstrating healthy ways to react to stressful situations. As difficult as it may be, resist the urge to yell when you're disciplining your child. Instead, try to be firm and matter of fact.
During your child's meltdown, stay calm and explain that yelling, throwing a tantrum, and slamming doors are unacceptable behaviors that have consequences — and say what those consequences are.
Your actions can show that tantrums aren't viable ways for kids to get the upper hand. For example, if your child gets upset in the grocery store after you've explained why you won't buy candy, don't give in — thus demonstrating that the tantrum was both unacceptable and ineffective.
If your child frequently loses control and is continually argumentative, antisocial, or impulsive or if tantrums last for more than 10 minutes, talk to your child's doctor. And talk to the doctor if your school-age child's tantrums are accompanied by:
restlessness
impulsiveness
defiance
difficulty in concentrating
low self-esteem
declining performance in school
Consider speaking to your child's teachers about classroom settings and appropriate behavioral expectations. Also, look at your own actions to see if you are managing stressful situations as well as you can. If not, you might want to ask your doctor about whether family counseling sessions may help.
Whether kids melt down in the middle of a crowded grocery store, at a holiday dinner with extended family, or at home, these fits can be extremely frustrating. But parents can help kids learn self-control and teach them how to respond to situations without just acting on impulse.
Helping Kids Learn Self-Control
By learning self-control, kids can make appropriate decisions and respond to stressful situations in ways that can yield positive outcomes.
For example, if you say that you're not serving ice cream until after dinner, your child may cry, plead, or even scream in the hopes that you will give in. But with self-control, your child can understand that a temper tantrum means you'll take away the ice cream for good and that it's wiser to wait patiently.
Here are a few suggestions on how to help kids learn to control their behavior:
Up to age 2: Infants and toddlers get frustrated by the large gap between the things they want to do and what they're able to do. They often respond with temper tantrums. Try to prevent outbursts by distracting your little one with toys or other activities. For kids reaching the 2-year-old mark, try a brief timeout in a designated area — like a kitchen chair or bottom stair — to show the consequences for outbursts and teach that it's better to take some time alone instead of throwing a tantrum.
Ages 3 to 5: You can continue to use timeouts, but rather than enforcing a specific time limit, end timeouts once your child has calmed down. This helps kids improve their sense of self-control. And praise your child for not losing control in frustrating or difficult situations.
Ages 6 to 9: As kids enter school, they're better able to understand the idea of consequences and that they can choose good or bad behavior. It may help your child to imagine a stop sign that must be obeyed and think about a situation before responding. Encourage your child to walk away from a frustrating situation for a few minutes to cool off instead of having an outburst.
Ages 10 to 12: Older kids usually better understand their feelings. Encourage them to think about what's causing them to lose control and then analyze it. Explain that sometimes the situations that are upsetting at first don't end up being so awful. Urge kids to take time to think before responding to a situation.
Ages 13 to 17: By now kids should be able to control most of their actions. But remind teens to think about long-term consequences. Urge them to pause to evaluate upsetting situations before responding and talk through problems rather than losing control, slamming doors, or yelling. If necessary, discipline your teen by taking away certain privileges to reinforce the message that self-control is an important skill.
When Kids Are Out of Control
Set a good example for your kids by demonstrating healthy ways to react to stressful situations. As difficult as it may be, resist the urge to yell when you're disciplining your child. Instead, try to be firm and matter of fact.
During your child's meltdown, stay calm and explain that yelling, throwing a tantrum, and slamming doors are unacceptable behaviors that have consequences — and say what those consequences are.
Your actions can show that tantrums aren't viable ways for kids to get the upper hand. For example, if your child gets upset in the grocery store after you've explained why you won't buy candy, don't give in — thus demonstrating that the tantrum was both unacceptable and ineffective.
If your child frequently loses control and is continually argumentative, antisocial, or impulsive or if tantrums last for more than 10 minutes, talk to your child's doctor. And talk to the doctor if your school-age child's tantrums are accompanied by:
restlessness
impulsiveness
defiance
difficulty in concentrating
low self-esteem
declining performance in school
Consider speaking to your child's teachers about classroom settings and appropriate behavioral expectations. Also, look at your own actions to see if you are managing stressful situations as well as you can. If not, you might want to ask your doctor about whether family counseling sessions may help.
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